if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
