mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
