Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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