im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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