Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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