I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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