My first STD was from a foam party
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
