Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
