dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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