I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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