took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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