My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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