Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
