Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize