the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
