Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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