dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
