saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
