Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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