I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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