paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
