Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
