i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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