i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
