nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
