guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
