: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
