i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
