please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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