I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize