John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
