i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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