mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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