The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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