um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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