I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
please don't ironically join a cult
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