I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
