Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
