Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
