Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
