Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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