Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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