is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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