i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize