So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize