took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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