I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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