Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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