I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
