He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
