How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
