I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
