Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
