apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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