They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
